The unforseen consequences of global-warming
Me: About this free will thing.
God: [in the booming voice of Brian Blessed] Yes.
Me: I'm not sure I really like it. It's confusing. What am I supposed to do with it?
God: What are you supposed to do with it?! [patiently] You haven't really understood this, have you?
Me: [pause] No.
God: Essentially, you can do whatever you like.
Me: That seems rather wide-ranging.
God: [stunned pause] It's supposed to be.
Me: Oh. [pause] Well, I'm not sure I like it. There's a lot of room for error.
God: [brusquely] Necessarily so.
Me: That hardly seems fair. How am I supposed to know what to do?
God: [sounding a little bored] That old chestnut. You just have to use your judgement. That's what it's there for.
Me: Ok. But if I'm free, then aren't there an infinite number of possibilities?
God: [brightly] Exactly. Now you're getting it. That's the beauty of it all.
Me: Well, how am I supposed to compute them all? Can't you just tell me what to do? You know, in your infinite wisdom and all that.
God: [a little exasperated] Well, of course not. Then you wouldn't be free.
Me: I'm not sure I want to be.
God: [snaps] Well, you are! You haven't got a choice in the matter.
Me: But then I'm not truly...
God: [interrupting as realisation suddenly dawns upon Him] Oh. Well, yes, I see your point. Gosh, there's a thing!
Me: [despairingly] Oh, no. Don't tell me you don't understand it either.
God: [affronted] Of course I understand it.
Me: Ok, so am I free, or not?
God: [scratches head, causing unanticipated snowstorm in Belize] Well, sort of.
Me: And sort of not, I suppose?
God: Well, that would seem to follow.
Me: Bloody half-arsed universe.
God: Watch it! I might be a little rusty, but I could still smite you, you know.
Me: Erm, [hesitates] that sounds a little interventionist, to me.
God: [wistfully] Ah, yes. I knew there was a reason I'd stopped doing that. [mutters] Bloody Noahic Covenant.
Me: Doesn't that just stop you from flooding the earth again?
God: Well, yes. But it seems to have set a precedent, intervention-wise. [silence] It's no fun being God these days, you know. Do you remember those plagues? [sighs nostalgically, inadvertently blowing away a trailer park in Alabama] Those were the days. Well, you're too young, I suppose... mind you, I'm sure you've heard about them?
Me: [emphatically] Oh, yes. [ponders] But why the frogs? They seem an awfully strange thing to afflict a nation with.
God: [guffaws heartily] Yes, one of my little whims. I was the first Surrealist, you know. [ponders] The first everything, actually. But does that get me a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records? Hmph. Does it 'eck!
Me: The prime mover, you might say.
God: And groover... ba-dum-Ching!
Me: Erm, yes. [awkward silence] Incidentally, this not-flooding-the-earth-again thing.
God: [suspicious] What about it?
Me: Well, I was just thinking about global-warming.
God: [blithely] Oh, that's your fault. Well, not you alone. Humans in general.
Me: Yes, but if we flood the world...
God: On your own heads be it. Well over your heads [chuckles to Himself].
Me: Er, yes. But wouldn't that call in to question your existence?
God: What? Don't be silly.
Me: You promised that the world would never be flooded again. So, if it is flooded, then either you will have ceased to exist, or you'll have broken your promise...
God: Which I can't do, what with being God and all. [considers] So, as the tides rise, my very existence is ebbing away?
Me: I guess...
God: [long silence] You know, I have been feeling a little off-colour of late... [pauses, deep in thought] For the last few decades, now I come to think about it. I'd just put it down to the general decline in belief in me.
Me: Perhaps the decline in belief is down to a decline in your existence?
God: Hmm. Less of me to believe in? I'd never thought of it that way. Gosh! [pause] Now I'm all depressed.
Me: [sighs] Join the club.
God: You as well? [chuckles ruefully] You and me against the world, eh?
Me: [sighs] You and me against the world. [shakes head] What a world! Whatever were you thinking?
God: Oh, I was bored.
Me: Ah, yes. I get that a lot too.
God: Well, you were made in my image.
Me: I thought it might be your fault.
God: Hmph. Cheeky blighter! Why I oughtta...
Me: [pretending to cower]. No, please, not the smiting!
[both chuckle amiably]
Me: But what you're saying is, existence-wise we're both in the same boat, so to speak, you and I?
God: That's about the size of it. Free, but to all intents and purposes powerless to intervene. Ha! Perhaps we could use it to escape the flood?
Me: The boat? [chuckles] Yes. If only it weren't metaphorical!
God: Bloody metaphorical boats. No good to anyone.
Me: Ha! We're doomed!
God: [in best Scottish accent] Aye, we're doomed, Captain Mainwaring, we're doomed...
Me: Don't tell him your name, Pike!
[both laughing uncontrollably]
Me: [catching breath] Oh, those were the days...
God: Yes, simpler, more gentle days...
Me: Of course, I wasn't around then...
God: Well, not unless old Siddhartha's right.
Me: Is he?
God: No. [pause] All credit to him for the "Life is suffering" stuff, mind. He had that right.
Me: Didn't he just! It's a good job we can laugh about it all, though, isn't it?
God: Oh, good Me, yes! Do you think if he'd been around now, he'd have said "life is surfing" instead?
Me: Ha! The internet and all that? [pause] No, probably not.
God: No. I don't suppose he would have. He'd probably have been too busy chatting to someone in Bolivia to sit under the Bodhi tree.
Me: Yep. And then he'd have found out it was his mother all along.
God: [hearty chuckle] Isn't it a wonderful world I've wrought? Well, anyway, it keeps me amused.
Me: Well, I'm glad someone's happy.
God: [in the booming voice of Brian Blessed] Yes.
Me: I'm not sure I really like it. It's confusing. What am I supposed to do with it?
God: What are you supposed to do with it?! [patiently] You haven't really understood this, have you?
Me: [pause] No.
God: Essentially, you can do whatever you like.
Me: That seems rather wide-ranging.
God: [stunned pause] It's supposed to be.
Me: Oh. [pause] Well, I'm not sure I like it. There's a lot of room for error.
God: [brusquely] Necessarily so.
Me: That hardly seems fair. How am I supposed to know what to do?
God: [sounding a little bored] That old chestnut. You just have to use your judgement. That's what it's there for.
Me: Ok. But if I'm free, then aren't there an infinite number of possibilities?
God: [brightly] Exactly. Now you're getting it. That's the beauty of it all.
Me: Well, how am I supposed to compute them all? Can't you just tell me what to do? You know, in your infinite wisdom and all that.
God: [a little exasperated] Well, of course not. Then you wouldn't be free.
Me: I'm not sure I want to be.
God: [snaps] Well, you are! You haven't got a choice in the matter.
Me: But then I'm not truly...
God: [interrupting as realisation suddenly dawns upon Him] Oh. Well, yes, I see your point. Gosh, there's a thing!
Me: [despairingly] Oh, no. Don't tell me you don't understand it either.
God: [affronted] Of course I understand it.
Me: Ok, so am I free, or not?
God: [scratches head, causing unanticipated snowstorm in Belize] Well, sort of.
Me: And sort of not, I suppose?
God: Well, that would seem to follow.
Me: Bloody half-arsed universe.
God: Watch it! I might be a little rusty, but I could still smite you, you know.
Me: Erm, [hesitates] that sounds a little interventionist, to me.
God: [wistfully] Ah, yes. I knew there was a reason I'd stopped doing that. [mutters] Bloody Noahic Covenant.
Me: Doesn't that just stop you from flooding the earth again?
God: Well, yes. But it seems to have set a precedent, intervention-wise. [silence] It's no fun being God these days, you know. Do you remember those plagues? [sighs nostalgically, inadvertently blowing away a trailer park in Alabama] Those were the days. Well, you're too young, I suppose... mind you, I'm sure you've heard about them?
Me: [emphatically] Oh, yes. [ponders] But why the frogs? They seem an awfully strange thing to afflict a nation with.
God: [guffaws heartily] Yes, one of my little whims. I was the first Surrealist, you know. [ponders] The first everything, actually. But does that get me a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records? Hmph. Does it 'eck!
Me: The prime mover, you might say.
God: And groover... ba-dum-Ching!
Me: Erm, yes. [awkward silence] Incidentally, this not-flooding-the-earth-again thing.
God: [suspicious] What about it?
Me: Well, I was just thinking about global-warming.
God: [blithely] Oh, that's your fault. Well, not you alone. Humans in general.
Me: Yes, but if we flood the world...
God: On your own heads be it. Well over your heads [chuckles to Himself].
Me: Er, yes. But wouldn't that call in to question your existence?
God: What? Don't be silly.
Me: You promised that the world would never be flooded again. So, if it is flooded, then either you will have ceased to exist, or you'll have broken your promise...
God: Which I can't do, what with being God and all. [considers] So, as the tides rise, my very existence is ebbing away?
Me: I guess...
God: [long silence] You know, I have been feeling a little off-colour of late... [pauses, deep in thought] For the last few decades, now I come to think about it. I'd just put it down to the general decline in belief in me.
Me: Perhaps the decline in belief is down to a decline in your existence?
God: Hmm. Less of me to believe in? I'd never thought of it that way. Gosh! [pause] Now I'm all depressed.
Me: [sighs] Join the club.
God: You as well? [chuckles ruefully] You and me against the world, eh?
Me: [sighs] You and me against the world. [shakes head] What a world! Whatever were you thinking?
God: Oh, I was bored.
Me: Ah, yes. I get that a lot too.
God: Well, you were made in my image.
Me: I thought it might be your fault.
God: Hmph. Cheeky blighter! Why I oughtta...
Me: [pretending to cower]. No, please, not the smiting!
[both chuckle amiably]
Me: But what you're saying is, existence-wise we're both in the same boat, so to speak, you and I?
God: That's about the size of it. Free, but to all intents and purposes powerless to intervene. Ha! Perhaps we could use it to escape the flood?
Me: The boat? [chuckles] Yes. If only it weren't metaphorical!
God: Bloody metaphorical boats. No good to anyone.
Me: Ha! We're doomed!
God: [in best Scottish accent] Aye, we're doomed, Captain Mainwaring, we're doomed...
Me: Don't tell him your name, Pike!
[both laughing uncontrollably]
Me: [catching breath] Oh, those were the days...
God: Yes, simpler, more gentle days...
Me: Of course, I wasn't around then...
God: Well, not unless old Siddhartha's right.
Me: Is he?
God: No. [pause] All credit to him for the "Life is suffering" stuff, mind. He had that right.
Me: Didn't he just! It's a good job we can laugh about it all, though, isn't it?
God: Oh, good Me, yes! Do you think if he'd been around now, he'd have said "life is surfing" instead?
Me: Ha! The internet and all that? [pause] No, probably not.
God: No. I don't suppose he would have. He'd probably have been too busy chatting to someone in Bolivia to sit under the Bodhi tree.
Me: Yep. And then he'd have found out it was his mother all along.
God: [hearty chuckle] Isn't it a wonderful world I've wrought? Well, anyway, it keeps me amused.
Me: Well, I'm glad someone's happy.
God: [somewhat startled] Really?! [glancing quickly from side to side] Where?
(Link above borrowed from anonymous on the fox earth ).
In keeping with the other posts, this post must be something - another small step towards damnation, probably.
(Link above borrowed from anonymous on the fox earth ).
In keeping with the other posts, this post must be something - another small step towards damnation, probably.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real Gods, living or dead, is purely unlikely. Particularly from an atheist perspective. Also, sorry, Dave. No offence intended.
posted by Occasional Poster of Comments at 8:18 pm
78 comments
