In
a quest to be thorough I am now also wasting virtual space. Woo hoo! As quests go, a quest to be thorough is quite a dull one. Also quite difficult. I shall therefore end it now. Next paragraph, please. ......... Oh, go on. Please.
Since the last paragraph asked so nicely, I shall oblige. I'm not happy about it, though. Let me make that perfectly clear: I'm not happy about it. That gap was, of course, "I'm not happy about it" written in perfectly clear text. I don't think it's going to catch on. Very difficult to read. Perfectly clear communication is anything but. Are you supposed to end sentences with a but?
So, yeah... well... erm... Why was I doing this again? Oh yes, some kind of misguided and ill-fated whim. Chances are that this post will find itself very lonely. Yet I shall cast it out into cyberspace nonetheless. I can be cruel like that sometimes. But only to defenceless blog posts. Perhaps it shall find friends, posts of its own kind. Maybe enemies. Perhaps even a soul-mate. Most likely it will remain alone and unloved. But such is life.
Check back sometime to see how it's getting on. I've called it Albert, should you need to know. Albert the Lonely Blog Post. So it's a he now, apparently.
[You can talk to Albert the Lonely Blog Post, if you like. But I might have to change his name if lots of you do it. Also, if he's at all rude or uncommunicative, please try to understand: he's not used to company]
So, yeah... well... erm... Why was I doing this again? Oh yes, some kind of misguided and ill-fated whim. Chances are that this post will find itself very lonely. Yet I shall cast it out into cyberspace nonetheless. I can be cruel like that sometimes. But only to defenceless blog posts. Perhaps it shall find friends, posts of its own kind. Maybe enemies. Perhaps even a soul-mate. Most likely it will remain alone and unloved. But such is life.
Check back sometime to see how it's getting on. I've called it Albert, should you need to know. Albert the Lonely Blog Post. So it's a he now, apparently.
[You can talk to Albert the Lonely Blog Post, if you like. But I might have to change his name if lots of you do it. Also, if he's at all rude or uncommunicative, please try to understand: he's not used to company]
posted by Occasional Poster of Comments at 8:48 pm
101 Comments:
Hello?
Why is no-one speaking to me?
Oh, I'm so bored.
And soooo lonely.
Why have I been written in the future?
Is that why no-one's here? Have I got to wait until Dec 31st 2007 before anyone comes here?
I might go mad with loneliness by then.
[quietly sobs]
You're written in the future so that I can keep my posts in order. I wouldn't want disorderly blog posts, would I? People from 'now' can comment here, so don't worry.
Of course you still might have to wait a long time for visitors. Depends how often I comment elsewhere.
Somehow you're username doesn't fill me with hope.
My word. I seem to have wandered into some neo-Ionescoan absurdist play. Fantastic!
*patroclus settles into comfy chair, opens scrunchy packet of Butterkist*
What? Who? Is it raining?
Oh, sorry. Hello. You caught me having a nap. There's not a lot else to do here, you know. But if you go down a post, I've met another post called Lucy, apparently. We seem to be getting on quite well. But up here I'm still Albert the Lonely Blog Post. It's very confusing. Which is why I sleep so much.
wv: tathcarc - wow! That's an anagram of the name of one of the characters in Catch-22. Almost worth waking up for. If it wasn't so lonely here.
Erm, thanks for visting, by the way. Even if you did wake me up and plunge me back into this strange lonely pit of despond.
Hmm, I should probably be more welcoming, shouldn't I? Americans are good at that. What is it that they do? Ok, lets give it a go:
Hurry back soon :) Bring a friend!
[sigh]
That just seemed false, didn't it?
Who are you calling a daft post-modern conceit? I resemble that remark.
Ah, I see I woke you up. And yes you do resemble that remark.
Resent, resent...
[mutters darkly]
You knew what I meant.
Anyway, why do I have to remain lonely up here? I seem to be having lots of fun down there. And I seem to be a lot nicer. It isn't fair and it doesn't make any sense.
You're just being cruel aren't you?
Yes.
It amuses me.
And only you, I shouldn't wonder.
Touché.
So, are there two of me?
Have you heard of the divided-self?
You're going to say something pretentious now, aren't you?
Not any more.
Good. There's been quite enough of that already.
No doubt there'll be plenty more.
[shudders]
Dear 4'33"
I am thinking of staging a virtual adaptation of Waiting For Godot, with each role played by a different blog. On a different continent. In a different language. And it takes different strokes.
Can you advise on possible fire risks?
Yrs
CulturalSnow
Yarrgghh! Please, not the mandrakes!
[looks around, blearily] Oh. I was sleeping again.
Or is this some new nightmare?
No, I seem to have been here before. Well, a recurring nightmare, then.
[sighs]
Oh, what's the difference. There've been so many.
"Home" - the nightmare we always return to.
Oh. It's you.
Why won't you let me sleep?
Not that it always helps. Just sometimes. [wistfully] Sometimes I'm at peace.
Don't blame me. I'm just here to collect the mail.
Well, it's not for me, I see.
Oh, why would it be?
Dear Mr Footman,
Thank you for your kind patronage...
[interrupting] Could you not do that somewhere else? I'm trying to sleep.
Oh, quieten down. You've got all eternity to sleep. Now where was I?
... re your plan to stage the Beckett play in the blogosphere. I can happily provide the English setting, but am sadly lacking in any foreign tongues. Perhaps, Taiga may be able to assist?
Re fire risks, I am not conversant with current blog fire regulations and fear that I may be unable to...
[interrupting again] You do think highly of yourself, don't you?
What?
He wasn't being serious.
You don't think so?
No.
Oh.
I'll be off then.
You do that.
Eternity?
[collapses in distraught heap]
Hello Albert.
Zzz... Wha? Ye Gods! Are there three of you?
Oh. I see. Troeppl. Not Triple. Sorry, it takes my eyes a while to focus in the morning.
Or whatever time it is here.
Oh, I know it says it's nearly 1am. But what does that mean to me, eh? Trapped here, drifting in and out of sleep. Asleep, awake. Asleep, awake. It's not like I can go, "Ooh, 1am. In another six hours I'll be getting up to go to Bruges", is it? It's just a random mark on the empty page of my life. [Sighs deeply]
God, someone says hello to you and you have an existential crisis.
You can talk.
Oh, wait. Actually, no, you can't, can you? You hopeless introvert.
So I'm useless at talking to people, what of it?
At least all my days aren't the same, enlivened only by comments on a bl...
Oh.
You have been alone too long, I fear. However your insanity does make excellent reading. Keep up the madness.
[Sigh of relief] Oh! Thank goodness you're here.
[Checks no-one is standing behind him] Me? You're glad I'm here? Since when?
Yes, you. Though it pains me to say so.
I've had a visitor.
And?
I don't think she's who she says she is.
She purports to be a "Rabid Badger", but she hasn't shown me even a single one yet.
Maybe you have been alone too long...
What are you wittering about?
[Exasperated sigh] Badges, of course, dammit!
She's been here for days and she hasn't shown me any. Not one! I don't think she's even a slightly rabid badger. In fact, [whispers] I don't think she's a badger at all...
What the...?
[Sudden realisation] Oh! I see. No, she really is a badger. You know, an animal.
Just you hang on a minute! I will not have you speaking about my guests like that...
No, that's not what I m...
I don't care what you meant. You might think badge collecting isn't a worthwhile pursuit, but that's no reason to go around calling people animals.
Look, that wasn't...
No! It's quite uncalled for.
Fox-hunters, maybe... but, badge collecting? What could be more harmless?
[Doubtfully] Weeeell...
[Slightly alarmed again] What, does she really have rabies then? It's not just a figure of speech?
I don't think she does.
I just meant that I wouldn't trust someone who had so many points at their disposal.
[Looks blank]
Points.
You know.
All those pins on the back of the badges.
I bet a skilled badge collector could blind you in a second, if they were of a mind. And who'd suspect them?
Oh, I see. Or perhaps not, if this badger woman has anything to do with it.
Anyway, you're missing my point...
Not you, as well! Well, I should have known, really. Anything to torment me. First loneliness, now blindness...
Will you just listen?!
If you're threatening to stick pins in my eyes, I don't think I have a choice, do I?
[Sighs] I'm not threatening you with anything. Yet.
I've been trying to tell you she's not a badge collector. A badger is a type of animal.
Oh.
I feel kind of stupid now.
A bit thick, would you say?
When did you develop a lisp?
I haven't got a lithp...
A lisp!
Oh, you meant thick. As in "as thick as a...
...post."
[Chuckles] As thick as a blog post.
Oh.
You were setting yourself up for a pun there, weren't you?
[Through gritted teeth] Yes.
And I ruined it, didn't I?
It wasn't very good, though, was it?
[Sighs] No.
I probably did you a favour then, didn't I?
Probably.
Erm...
Does this mean I've been all alone in here with a rabid badger?
Yep.
And it hasn't attacked me yet. That's a good sign, right?
Could be.
Or not. Hard to tell really.
Anyway, must be off. You'll be ok, won't you?
[Opens mouth to speak]
Good, good. 'Til the next time then.
[Wanders off whistling casually]
Hey! Wait!
Erm...
Nice badger. Good badger.
[Mutters to self] And I was worried about identity fraud... stupid, stupid, lonely blog post...
Tasmin Archer Badger! So that's where you've got to.
The Parade is saved, Harry!
But Alan if your here who's grooming the badgers ready for the badger parade? You'd better get down that grooming bay. And Alan, make haste for the parade is in but [makes elaborate watch checking motion] 2 minutes. Doh!
Sorry, Harry.
Have they gone?
[Deep sigh] Ahhh. Safe again!
And alone.
[Sigh]
I was rabid for a while, but have decided to go for the "stuffed" approach to things. Much less biting involved. And more comfy.
And yes, that is me, Tamsin Archer Badger. What do you think of the hat?
i very much like this insanity
albert, i would like to be your friend so that you are not loonely anymore.
..hand-shake and hug with pat..
smike and looks through eyes,
and i think the badger and i be friends, from basis of same animal kingdom-- wouldn't eat turtle, right?
i enjoy the beckett-like absurdity and the empty atmosphere.
i think you should keep going
Post a Comment
<< Home