The unforseen consequences of global-warming
Me: About this free will thing.
God: [in the booming voice of Brian Blessed] Yes.
Me: I'm not sure I really like it. It's confusing. What am I supposed to do with it?
God: What are you supposed to do with it?! [patiently] You haven't really understood this, have you?
Me: [pause] No.
God: Essentially, you can do whatever you like.
Me: That seems rather wide-ranging.
God: [stunned pause] It's supposed to be.
Me: Oh. [pause] Well, I'm not sure I like it. There's a lot of room for error.
God: [brusquely] Necessarily so.
Me: That hardly seems fair. How am I supposed to know what to do?
God: [sounding a little bored] That old chestnut. You just have to use your judgement. That's what it's there for.
Me: Ok. But if I'm free, then aren't there an infinite number of possibilities?
God: [brightly] Exactly. Now you're getting it. That's the beauty of it all.
Me: Well, how am I supposed to compute them all? Can't you just tell me what to do? You know, in your infinite wisdom and all that.
God: [a little exasperated] Well, of course not. Then you wouldn't be free.
Me: I'm not sure I want to be.
God: [snaps] Well, you are! You haven't got a choice in the matter.
Me: But then I'm not truly...
God: [interrupting as realisation suddenly dawns upon Him] Oh. Well, yes, I see your point. Gosh, there's a thing!
Me: [despairingly] Oh, no. Don't tell me you don't understand it either.
God: [affronted] Of course I understand it.
Me: Ok, so am I free, or not?
God: [scratches head, causing unanticipated snowstorm in Belize] Well, sort of.
Me: And sort of not, I suppose?
God: Well, that would seem to follow.
Me: Bloody half-arsed universe.
God: Watch it! I might be a little rusty, but I could still smite you, you know.
Me: Erm, [hesitates] that sounds a little interventionist, to me.
God: [wistfully] Ah, yes. I knew there was a reason I'd stopped doing that. [mutters] Bloody Noahic Covenant.
Me: Doesn't that just stop you from flooding the earth again?
God: Well, yes. But it seems to have set a precedent, intervention-wise. [silence] It's no fun being God these days, you know. Do you remember those plagues? [sighs nostalgically, inadvertently blowing away a trailer park in Alabama] Those were the days. Well, you're too young, I suppose... mind you, I'm sure you've heard about them?
Me: [emphatically] Oh, yes. [ponders] But why the frogs? They seem an awfully strange thing to afflict a nation with.
God: [guffaws heartily] Yes, one of my little whims. I was the first Surrealist, you know. [ponders] The first everything, actually. But does that get me a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records? Hmph. Does it 'eck!
Me: The prime mover, you might say.
God: And groover... ba-dum-Ching!
Me: Erm, yes. [awkward silence] Incidentally, this not-flooding-the-earth-again thing.
God: [suspicious] What about it?
Me: Well, I was just thinking about global-warming.
God: [blithely] Oh, that's your fault. Well, not you alone. Humans in general.
Me: Yes, but if we flood the world...
God: On your own heads be it. Well over your heads [chuckles to Himself].
Me: Er, yes. But wouldn't that call in to question your existence?
God: What? Don't be silly.
Me: You promised that the world would never be flooded again. So, if it is flooded, then either you will have ceased to exist, or you'll have broken your promise...
God: Which I can't do, what with being God and all. [considers] So, as the tides rise, my very existence is ebbing away?
Me: I guess...
God: [long silence] You know, I have been feeling a little off-colour of late... [pauses, deep in thought] For the last few decades, now I come to think about it. I'd just put it down to the general decline in belief in me.
Me: Perhaps the decline in belief is down to a decline in your existence?
God: Hmm. Less of me to believe in? I'd never thought of it that way. Gosh! [pause] Now I'm all depressed.
Me: [sighs] Join the club.
God: You as well? [chuckles ruefully] You and me against the world, eh?
Me: [sighs] You and me against the world. [shakes head] What a world! Whatever were you thinking?
God: Oh, I was bored.
Me: Ah, yes. I get that a lot too.
God: Well, you were made in my image.
Me: I thought it might be your fault.
God: Hmph. Cheeky blighter! Why I oughtta...
Me: [pretending to cower]. No, please, not the smiting!
[both chuckle amiably]
Me: But what you're saying is, existence-wise we're both in the same boat, so to speak, you and I?
God: That's about the size of it. Free, but to all intents and purposes powerless to intervene. Ha! Perhaps we could use it to escape the flood?
Me: The boat? [chuckles] Yes. If only it weren't metaphorical!
God: Bloody metaphorical boats. No good to anyone.
Me: Ha! We're doomed!
God: [in best Scottish accent] Aye, we're doomed, Captain Mainwaring, we're doomed...
Me: Don't tell him your name, Pike!
[both laughing uncontrollably]
Me: [catching breath] Oh, those were the days...
God: Yes, simpler, more gentle days...
Me: Of course, I wasn't around then...
God: Well, not unless old Siddhartha's right.
Me: Is he?
God: No. [pause] All credit to him for the "Life is suffering" stuff, mind. He had that right.
Me: Didn't he just! It's a good job we can laugh about it all, though, isn't it?
God: Oh, good Me, yes! Do you think if he'd been around now, he'd have said "life is surfing" instead?
Me: Ha! The internet and all that? [pause] No, probably not.
God: No. I don't suppose he would have. He'd probably have been too busy chatting to someone in Bolivia to sit under the Bodhi tree.
Me: Yep. And then he'd have found out it was his mother all along.
God: [hearty chuckle] Isn't it a wonderful world I've wrought? Well, anyway, it keeps me amused.
Me: Well, I'm glad someone's happy.
God: [in the booming voice of Brian Blessed] Yes.
Me: I'm not sure I really like it. It's confusing. What am I supposed to do with it?
God: What are you supposed to do with it?! [patiently] You haven't really understood this, have you?
Me: [pause] No.
God: Essentially, you can do whatever you like.
Me: That seems rather wide-ranging.
God: [stunned pause] It's supposed to be.
Me: Oh. [pause] Well, I'm not sure I like it. There's a lot of room for error.
God: [brusquely] Necessarily so.
Me: That hardly seems fair. How am I supposed to know what to do?
God: [sounding a little bored] That old chestnut. You just have to use your judgement. That's what it's there for.
Me: Ok. But if I'm free, then aren't there an infinite number of possibilities?
God: [brightly] Exactly. Now you're getting it. That's the beauty of it all.
Me: Well, how am I supposed to compute them all? Can't you just tell me what to do? You know, in your infinite wisdom and all that.
God: [a little exasperated] Well, of course not. Then you wouldn't be free.
Me: I'm not sure I want to be.
God: [snaps] Well, you are! You haven't got a choice in the matter.
Me: But then I'm not truly...
God: [interrupting as realisation suddenly dawns upon Him] Oh. Well, yes, I see your point. Gosh, there's a thing!
Me: [despairingly] Oh, no. Don't tell me you don't understand it either.
God: [affronted] Of course I understand it.
Me: Ok, so am I free, or not?
God: [scratches head, causing unanticipated snowstorm in Belize] Well, sort of.
Me: And sort of not, I suppose?
God: Well, that would seem to follow.
Me: Bloody half-arsed universe.
God: Watch it! I might be a little rusty, but I could still smite you, you know.
Me: Erm, [hesitates] that sounds a little interventionist, to me.
God: [wistfully] Ah, yes. I knew there was a reason I'd stopped doing that. [mutters] Bloody Noahic Covenant.
Me: Doesn't that just stop you from flooding the earth again?
God: Well, yes. But it seems to have set a precedent, intervention-wise. [silence] It's no fun being God these days, you know. Do you remember those plagues? [sighs nostalgically, inadvertently blowing away a trailer park in Alabama] Those were the days. Well, you're too young, I suppose... mind you, I'm sure you've heard about them?
Me: [emphatically] Oh, yes. [ponders] But why the frogs? They seem an awfully strange thing to afflict a nation with.
God: [guffaws heartily] Yes, one of my little whims. I was the first Surrealist, you know. [ponders] The first everything, actually. But does that get me a mention in the Guinness Book of World Records? Hmph. Does it 'eck!
Me: The prime mover, you might say.
God: And groover... ba-dum-Ching!
Me: Erm, yes. [awkward silence] Incidentally, this not-flooding-the-earth-again thing.
God: [suspicious] What about it?
Me: Well, I was just thinking about global-warming.
God: [blithely] Oh, that's your fault. Well, not you alone. Humans in general.
Me: Yes, but if we flood the world...
God: On your own heads be it. Well over your heads [chuckles to Himself].
Me: Er, yes. But wouldn't that call in to question your existence?
God: What? Don't be silly.
Me: You promised that the world would never be flooded again. So, if it is flooded, then either you will have ceased to exist, or you'll have broken your promise...
God: Which I can't do, what with being God and all. [considers] So, as the tides rise, my very existence is ebbing away?
Me: I guess...
God: [long silence] You know, I have been feeling a little off-colour of late... [pauses, deep in thought] For the last few decades, now I come to think about it. I'd just put it down to the general decline in belief in me.
Me: Perhaps the decline in belief is down to a decline in your existence?
God: Hmm. Less of me to believe in? I'd never thought of it that way. Gosh! [pause] Now I'm all depressed.
Me: [sighs] Join the club.
God: You as well? [chuckles ruefully] You and me against the world, eh?
Me: [sighs] You and me against the world. [shakes head] What a world! Whatever were you thinking?
God: Oh, I was bored.
Me: Ah, yes. I get that a lot too.
God: Well, you were made in my image.
Me: I thought it might be your fault.
God: Hmph. Cheeky blighter! Why I oughtta...
Me: [pretending to cower]. No, please, not the smiting!
[both chuckle amiably]
Me: But what you're saying is, existence-wise we're both in the same boat, so to speak, you and I?
God: That's about the size of it. Free, but to all intents and purposes powerless to intervene. Ha! Perhaps we could use it to escape the flood?
Me: The boat? [chuckles] Yes. If only it weren't metaphorical!
God: Bloody metaphorical boats. No good to anyone.
Me: Ha! We're doomed!
God: [in best Scottish accent] Aye, we're doomed, Captain Mainwaring, we're doomed...
Me: Don't tell him your name, Pike!
[both laughing uncontrollably]
Me: [catching breath] Oh, those were the days...
God: Yes, simpler, more gentle days...
Me: Of course, I wasn't around then...
God: Well, not unless old Siddhartha's right.
Me: Is he?
God: No. [pause] All credit to him for the "Life is suffering" stuff, mind. He had that right.
Me: Didn't he just! It's a good job we can laugh about it all, though, isn't it?
God: Oh, good Me, yes! Do you think if he'd been around now, he'd have said "life is surfing" instead?
Me: Ha! The internet and all that? [pause] No, probably not.
God: No. I don't suppose he would have. He'd probably have been too busy chatting to someone in Bolivia to sit under the Bodhi tree.
Me: Yep. And then he'd have found out it was his mother all along.
God: [hearty chuckle] Isn't it a wonderful world I've wrought? Well, anyway, it keeps me amused.
Me: Well, I'm glad someone's happy.
God: [somewhat startled] Really?! [glancing quickly from side to side] Where?
(Link above borrowed from anonymous on the fox earth ).
In keeping with the other posts, this post must be something - another small step towards damnation, probably.
(Link above borrowed from anonymous on the fox earth ).
In keeping with the other posts, this post must be something - another small step towards damnation, probably.
Disclaimer: Any resemblance to real Gods, living or dead, is purely unlikely. Particularly from an atheist perspective. Also, sorry, Dave. No offence intended.
posted by Occasional Poster of Comments at 8:18 pm
78 Comments:
We haven't featured much lately.
Yeah. What's up with that, dude?
You've been out, haven't you. Picking up strange idioms, apparently.
You're blaming us?
Well, you're free to come and go as you choose, aren't you?
Are we?
Erm, sort of.
And sort of not, I suppose?
Hmm... Let's not get into that again.
You're just abdicating responsibility.
Absolutely.
It's something I do.
I think I may have mentioned it before.
It's nothing to be proud of, you know.
Really?
Why do you think you're sat in front of a computer at 1:45am chatting nonsense with figments of your imagination?
Erm...
What an empty existence!
Isn't it terrible when one's creations rebel?
Not you as well!
Leave me alone, the lot of you!
Alone?
How very apt.
That's exactly what you are isn't it?
And you wonder why you two haven't featured lately! Good grief!
Sorry, we're just pointing out the obvious.
Yeah. Someone has to say it. It's for your own good.
Well, thank you for your concern - I think - but I am well aware of my circumstances, thank you all very much.
Touch-y!
Oo, this is fun!
It's all just a big joke to you, isn't it?
Me? Oh yes. Absolutely.
Oh. You mean, you take this life thing seriously?
[sighs] Sometimes it's hard not to.
And those are the times when it's best not to.
True enough, I suppose.
That's the spirit.
Where?
Oh, not the Holy one?
Good Me, no! Everyone ends up speaking in tongues when he's around. Blasted thing. It's most confusing.
Isn't he part of you? Or something.
The Holy Trinity?
Err, yes.
[silence]
But it all makes much more sense if you don't think about it too much.
Oh, like this place?
Yes, only infinitely more complicated.
Right. Ok. That makes sense.
[doubtfully] Well...
Well, ok, it doesn't. But you know what he means.
I suppose.
Good, good! Glad we got that cleared up.
See you around [chuckles, but no-one joins in].
You know, because I'm always around.
The omnipresence thing?
Oh, suit yourselves.
Is He gone?
Technically, no.
But we can continue as if you're not here, like we normally would?
Everyone does, as far as I can see. Which is infinitely, of course.
Anyway, as you were.
Right...
Yes...
Hmm...
This has all rather run out of steam, hasn't it?
Bloody steam-powered commenting.
[wander off aimlessly]
Was it something I said?
There is plenty of fish in the pond, young man. Poach wisely. You may think you've catched a rainbow trout and then you'll find out it was a herring after all.
Ahem.
Your point was?
I was just giving an advice...erm...nothing at all.
Did you just say I am a herring?
No, you are obviously, erm, a goldfish?
A goldfish with a cod as a consort and many fingerlings to take care of. No freedom at all. [sigh sigh sigh]
Did you just say something?
[a glance of pure innocence]
I have a strong feeling we are not alone here...
Opc, you who are not my mother, sorry this is a bit off-topic.
Happened today: I was buying a tin of coconut milk when I saw some sheets of nori and without any good reason laughed out loud. The woman next to me gave me a very odd gaze, but oh well, how could she have known that I just visualized the poor non-existent figment called Darren alone in the Bernard the Bundes-bedroom.
[I'm glad I didn't try to explain it, though.]
None taken.
>>sorry this is a bit off-topic.<<
There's a topic?
Taiga, as ever, your comment made me smile. Ditto those of the fishy Finns... or should that be Finny fish? Can there be fish without Finns? Rather poorly stationary ones, probably.
Erm, anyway.
Incidentally, I thought of Superlon this morning when my shoe sprang a leak on the way to work.
>>There's a topic?<<
I'm trying to read between the lions.
Blimey, I couldn't add any fish in that line.
[Maybe I should join the fisholics. I don't even know how to fish, but perhaps I was Norwegian before.]
wv: grtbjazka = sounds like that horrible greasy fish I ate years ago in Prague
Now causing mild embarrasment in Finland?
One of the unforseen consequences of global-warming?
(Btw. I almost titled todays Superlon Where the Mild Poses Grow.)
>>I'm trying to read between the lions.<<
Reading between the lions is as sensible place to be reading as anywhere else when it comes to this blog. I just let my mind wander when I write it, so any things that are on it, my mind that is, will probably emerge somewhere.
>>Blimey, I couldn't add any fish in that line.<<
Perhaps if they'd been sealions?
Taiga, I nearly forgot. In a sort of poetic justice thing, I was wandering home from work thinking about Superlon again (my socks were getting wet again) which set me off thinking about you laughing about Darren in the supermarket and getting a funny look, which in turn got me a funny look from the woman heading towards me when I inadvertently smiled.
I'm now wondering how much further this can go. Hopefully not much further, or it'll become very difficult to describe.
>>None taken.<<
Glad to hear. I seem to be rather prone to this kind of thing, I'm afraid. As one of my few readers, and one of a religious persuasion, I wouldn't want you to think any of the religious/sacrilegious/atheistic stuff that might appear here is directed at you. I'm quite prepared to accept as one of many possibilities that there may be a God, that one of the religions may have got it right, but to me a sort of atheist/existentialist/humanist perspective just feels right. As no philosophy/religion I've come across seems to stand up completely to logical scrutiny, that's ultimately all I have to go on.
Oo, logical scrutiny is such a boy thing.
[sticks out tongue at Patroclus]
It's no good, it's been bugging me. I'm really not too sure why I said that about logical scrutiny, because I don't actually believe that there's any point expecting life to conform to such a rigid thing as logic - which is one of the reasons I tend to dismiss most philosophy out of hand - nor do I very often act logically. In fact I actually have quite a degree of antipathy towards logic.
Note to self: do not attempt to sum up your mass of confused, contradictory beliefs in one blog comment whilst slightly tired.
Then again, I suppose most of my objections to the idea of there being a God are of a practical or logical nature...
[stops before this becomes the longest, most boring blog comment ever (which it definitely would have done)]
You have no idea how much that made me laugh.
And I was being flippant about the logical scrutiny being a boy thing, because I've been reading up on feminism recently (yawn) and apparently the feminists think that wibbly wobbly emotional scrutiny is JUST AS GOOD as scrutiny of the rational, logical sort. But then they also say that I have BETRAYED THE SISTERHOOD with my BOURGEOIS CAPITALIST TENDENCIES, so they're not really in my good books, nor I in theirs.
>>And I was being flippant about the logical scrutiny being a boy thing<<
Ah. You know, I did wonder. But it did point up that I'd had a bit of a philosophy relapse. I've been in recovery for the last five or six years but, well, it happens to us all I suppose. Especially late at night.
Erm, I was thinking I should probably try to say something or other about emotional scrutiny versus/complementing logical scrutiny, but having submitted the idea to emotional scrutiny I've decided that on balance I don't really feel like it and I'd rather be watching my Armando Iannucci DVD instead. Which will make me laugh and send me to bed happy-ish. Oh. Right. So, actually, maybe emotional scrutiny is best.
I demand more blogging!
Sorry OPC, just got a bit bored at work.
Oh, so you're there, P. D'oh! I was looking on the new post and wondering if you'd somehow commented invisibly, or blogger was playing up.
Anyway, no-one seemed to be blogging yesterday, did they. Most annoying. I ended up wasting half my lunchbreak trying to find other stuff to read. I suppose everyone must be enjoying this outbreak of good weather.
Oh, and I haven't forgotten the 20 Tracks thing, by the way. Soon. Ish.
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